Freud Was Right.
It’s(kind of) your mother’s fault
Our parents are nearly always the root of our issues – even when they did their best – but especially when they did their worst.
When I’m working with people to help them find the root of an issue, I often have to explain that our parents mess us up.
Some people get that intrinsically. Their dads were always yelling, or drinking or absent. Their moms were controlling or manipulative or critical. It’s obvious that these things would have an effect on us and how we see ourselves - and the world.
Where the resistance comes in is when the parents were loving, wonderful and “did everything right.” Grown children of healthy upbringings hate it when I start asking them to look at their childhood as the root of a problem. They can’t imagine blaming a loving parent for a neurosis they’re experiencing in the present.
The truth is that THERE IS NO AVOIDING MESSING OUR KIDS UP.
Experts have told parents for centuries to “let the baby cry it out.” Hundreds of thousands of well-meaning parents let their infants cry it out when there were real needs being expressed. Even if that need was sometimes just to be loved and nurtured. As immature creatures, we babies decide this neglect means something about us: we’re not loved, not good enough, a bad person, unworthy of love, unwanted, that our feelings or needs are unacceptable and so on. We then carry that belief unconsciously for the rest of our lives unless it is directly addressed in the subconscious mind.
Think about when a toddler finds an object they’re really interested in but is also dangerous for them. Most parents would, rightfully so, take the item away. How does a toddler react to that? They act as though the end of the world has arrived. This is experienced as a trauma. Mild trauma, but a trauma nonetheless.
Similarly, when you see families out shopping and a child wants sugary cereal, candy or toys and is denied those options, they react as though they are being beaten and tortured.
When a child does something wrong and is punished, they will be hurt, angry or resentful toward their authority figure. (The child might have been better served by a discussion on why they did the thing & what they thought the payoff would be- as well as an explanation as to why it’s not appropriate. But parents can only do what they know to do at the time.)
In all of these examples, it was necessary and healthy to treat the child this way. It would typically be considered good parenting. The child would grow into a miserable adult, if they weren’t taught these lessons early on.
Yet the child is still traumatized. Some part of this pain remains in the subconscious, waiting to be triggered by future examples of not getting what they want, having things taken from them, being ignored or being reprimanded in everyday adult situations.
Not to mention actually abusive or neglectful parents who do even more long-term damage.
Either way, it’s not about placing blame.
It’s not actually about what they did to you or didn’t do for you. It’s about how it made you feel at the time.
It’s about finding the root cause of why something still triggers you now, or why you believe negative things about yourself, the world, and the way you deserve to be treated. This is the real purpose of looking into your childhood for situations that could have contributed to what you’re struggling with now.
It’s all about healing that child version of you that still lives in your subconscious mind, in constant fear of repeating the wounds of the past. It allows them to express themselves and see that there truly is no threat.
Even if you consciously understand that your parents were just doing the best they could, your subconscious needs to be convinced as well in order to end the triggering for good.
I hope that this also allows the parents among you assuage any guilt you have over doing these things to your own children. There is not a human alive who hasn’t been emotionally harmed by a parent’s actions or words- regardless of their good intentions.
The best we can do is to show our children respect. Explaining why something isn’t good for them. Letting them know that our denials are coming from a place of love and protection. Letting them make as many choices for themselves as possible but offering guidance- and most of all picking your battles. Learning what’s worth trying to control and what’s not.
We went from a generation that practically ignored their kids to a generation who build their lives around their children, neither has worked. Think about where you can balance this. Let them make choices. Let them make mistakes. But also let them experience the consequences of those mistakes. Guide them as best you can as they go.
Make sure that you’re not putting your own needs, desires, hopes and failures on your kids. That’s their life, not yours. Doing the work to heal your own triggers will make you a far more amazing parent because you’ll be able to see them for who they are, rather than a reflection on you.
If all of this weren’t enough to worry about, you’ve also got to take into account what the study of epigenetics has uncovered. We genetically pass our triggers down a family line. As a survival mechanism, we inherit the triggers of our forefathers (and mothers.)
Let’s say your grandfather was in the war and witnessed battle. He may have spent the rest of his life being startled by loud bangs. It’s also possible that anyone born to him or his offspring after that war might also be triggered by loud bangs or anything resembling battle. It’s meant to help us avoid potentially dangerous situations, but the truth is that we rarely encounter such dangerous situations on a dad-to-day basis, so we don’t need to be hyper alert to avoid such things.
Many of us have money fears and a general sense of lack, not only because our society is always harping on it, but also because most of our ancestors have experienced The Great Depression or something very similar to it.
This is another layer of things we can acknowledge or take into account when doing clearing work. Not only is it good to look into our own memories and experiences around each trigger, but those of our ancestors and possibly even our past lives. All of this may play into what causes our reactions here and now.
I encounter a lot of people who are resistant to doing clearing work because they're afraid of losing their identity based in their old wounds and programming.
Some say "How will I know who I am without my anger/pain?"
Others say "Doesn't your life end once you've figured out all of your stuff?"
Many ask "How will I be motivated without my wounds/fear driving me?"
I think we collectively have been trained to live in a victimhood or fear based mentality.
We can't imagine life without the misery & pain we've been carrying.
We define ourselves by it.
We focus more on what we would be losing than what we would be gaining.
I have cleared so much of my stuff at this point that I can answer these questions in a way that might surprise you.
I have spent the last few months (since clearing my biggest issue) going:
"Who am I now?"
Many would call it an identity crisis.
Who am I without my obsessive thoughts about love/romance/sex/passion?
Who am I without my need to be famous?
Should I focus on just the mind/brain now or combine it with spiritual/energy work?
What do I really believe?
What is my purpose now?
Yet it is the most delicious freefall.
Because I get to ask those questions
Without a knot in my stomach
Without obsessive thoughts running through my mind
That is what I have lost.
What I have gained is peace, calm, wonder, freedom, love, and joy.
When something (rarely) triggers me now, I celebrate the opportunity to clear another wound.
If you ask my friends and family they would say I am the same person- just more laid back.
But if you ask me- I'm a much happier masterpiece in the making.
A work in progress.
Who is no longer carrying her pain like a badge of honor.
I'm still motivated- but it's no longer by neediness- it's by the desire to serve & enjoy life.
It's the desire to help others find the freedom that I've found...and to find even greater freedom for myself.
My love life has improved.
My work life has improved.
Most importantly my inner life has improved.
I've not lost myself.
I've found myself.
Surviving your mind
You know how when you're in an argument, you later find yourself helplessly replaying the scenario in your head? Going over and over it- thinking of how you could have handled it better, what you could have said as a comeback, etc..
This is actually just your brain trying to keep you safe. That argument was a perceived threat to your personal safety and your brain's only job is to keep you alive and safe.
So your replaying of that scene is actually a survival mechanism.
It happens whether you have a small trauma or a large one. The intensity of the playback is usually determined by the level of threat/trauma.
This is what has been classified as PTSD. It was previously labeled as a mental illness, but is actually your brain trying to help you survive in case the incident reoccurs. Then you'll know how to survive it (or avoid it)- maybe even better than you did the first time. It happens to all of us.
If this brain function begins to cause suffering, there are now immediate ways to stop it from replaying on autopilot, and driving you bonkers. The only options before were meds & long-term therapy- but that's not the case anymore. This is why I can't seem to shut up about PSTEC and other modalities. Nobody has to needlessly suffer this endless loop of replays!
Save the world
We are all taking a deeper look at our core beliefs - both about ourselves and the world.
When your foundation is shaken by a shift in core beliefs, it temporarily brings about a feeling of insecurity.
This causes us to carry a sort of dark cloud over us and to nitpick and judge those around us- lashing out in misdirected ways.
The battle is inside of us, not out there.
When you come to a place of peace & knowing within, the outer world becomes peaceful in your eyes as well.
This season seems to have had us marinating in the transition- like the caterpillar in the cocoon, falling apart- but eventually put back together but even more beautifully.
When life turns to crap, just know that you are getting your wings...and it will get better. This stage of The Shift is almost done.
Oh and this just in:
"No one but you has assigned you to save the world."